


Sand and water

by SignsTimeMemory



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F, apologize for being so evil, hurt mostly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-19
Updated: 2017-01-20
Packaged: 2018-09-18 11:06:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9381746
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SignsTimeMemory/pseuds/SignsTimeMemory
Summary: "My name is Maggie Sawyer,I was born in Blue Springs,Nebraska,but I moved in National City to be a NCPD detective."





	1. Sand and water

**Author's Note:**

> So the angst came to me the other day,and asked me to write this,as it guided my hand with it's evil mind.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "With every try,Maggie meant to grasp onto things which seemed easy to remember...."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst is to be blamed.Always.

_My name is Maggie Sawyer,I was born in Blue Springs,Nebraska,but I moved in National City to be a NCPD detective._

_I'm Maggie Sawyer,I'm 35 years old,I'm married..._

With every try,Maggie meant to grasp onto things which seemed easy to remember,everyday things,or something which had been fundamental in her life. She didn't want to travel beyond with her mind.

Anybody who didn't know her,could've thought she was suffering from a severe case of amnesia,or maybe she had just gone crazy,and was looking for somebody to listen to her. Truth to be told she did feel as if somebody were trying to pry those things away from her,like during an alien attack,things which were ingrained into her. She was Maggie Sawyer,and a detective,as well,yeah. She was sure she was 35 years old,even though it tasted bitter to say. Maggie would've liked to say she was 30,still 30. That the bitter part didn't exist and they were still happy. Then she felt like she had cursed her luck,because she was married,and being married suited them greatly.

She was indeed married,she was wearing a ring which shined even in the dark,and had everybody still looking at it down at the precinct,even if it had already been 5 years. The thought made her soar,like floating slightly above the floor of the apartment she shared with her wife and son. Alex had put it to her finger,and told her her eyes shined like the stone at the centre,like they lighted up the world. Maggie had had to try hard to swallow the knot in her troath,and send the tears away,because she wanted to look into Alex's eyes,which were just as teary and shiny, and remember the moment they would've been pronounced wife and wife forever.

Home. She still recalled the excitement mixed to an amount of things she had never felt when looking at anybody but Alex of knocking at that same door,and waiting for the agent to open up,so that she could've told her how stupid she had been to even think of living with her as less than a lover.

_My name is Maggie Sawyer Danvers,we've a son._

They had,back when the day had come,had a massive fight over who should take who's name,and the choice had fallen upon the easiest way to solve the whole funny issue.Hyphenating.Taking each other's name.No matter which one came first.

Kara had often joked that even if they hadn't done it,everybody already knew. On the crime scene,they were already married long before a paper,and a ceremony,and ring had confirmed it.

_I love her so much. I never thought I could've found true love._

The job which had determined the failure of all their past relationships,had brought them together. It had brought her to Alex,and to their son. A son who was the carbon copy of Alex. She had counted it had taken her approximatedly an year,before Alex truly started believing it when she told her she was beautiful. That was how their kid was so handsome. On the second year,there had been a proposal. Which had had Alex being the one to propose,and Maggie laughed at the memory of her younger blabbering self,shouting out a yes,and almost passing out from the happiness. Once again,Alex had spun her whole world around.Once again Alex had pulled down all her walls,read inside of her. Nevermind it had happened on the field,that there had been no ring,at night,and with an alien trying to kill them.

_They are waiting on you to say all you need to say,to say it the way..._

Had she miscalculated the way?She had been useless at maths,Alex was the nerd. She should've asked her wife to do it for her. The detective put down her beer and strolled through the apartment to the belief sitting beside the door,which now resembled more the one sitting in Alex's childhood home,back in Midvale.

Ever since they had moved in,pictures had been there. Suprising thing,it was them who had put it up,but again her mind reproduced the squeal Kara,who had quickly become her little sister as well,had made at seeing it,and taking part in filling it. The Danvers sisters were a package,with one came the other. Hence her mind was pretty used to remembering how happy the little one had been with seeing her sister happy,as well. 

_I was too,kiddo. I was too._

Two make out sessions,a talk and some empty treath later,Alex had agreed to the picture she was inspecting right now.

Full on black gear,helmet under her arm,she was truly making an effort at being serious,but somebody,maybe herself had to have said something funny,because they were both laughing. Good thing she was in her uniform as well. It didn't feel like a mockery to what she had now,but a good memory of what had been.

Alex was gonna walk in any moment,put her service gun down on the belief,high enough so that their little man couldn't have grabbed it,kiss her good evening,and let Maggie repeat to her how hot she was today,like she had done yesterday before going to the raid together.

_All alone I didn't like the feeling,_

_All alone I,sat and cried_

_All alone I had to find some meaning,_

_In the center of the pain I felt inside_

Then Eric would've run in,thrown his arms to Alex's neck and told her how much he had missed her,no matter if she had been on a mission of mere hours. He would've made it count as if she had been away for a week. They would've shared dinner,then to bed with a story. He would've hugged her like in that picture,just playing around,and being goofy.

Maggie just wanted to be back to 30. Even being 35 and a mother,she just wished to go back to that day. She didn't want to invade that scene. She couldn't send away the thought that even though Alex was different from anybody else she had ever had, she had brought Alex onto a road she wasn't supposed to walk. She had walked her down the path...which had brought her here. She had killed the only person who had ever loved her unconditionally.

She felt selfish,but if this hadn't happened,she would've kept on going with her life. As miserable as she could've been,she would've cried for an heart she had never had as hers,she would've mourned somebody she had never met. And not the woman who had turned it all around for her. Not Alex,who had made her believe true love existed. Her heart wouldn't have ached for something she had learned to know so well. Her arms wouldn't have felt as if something had been ripped off them with so much strength that they felt burnt down to the bone.

There was no sound of keys in the hole,no gun on the counter,high enough where Eric couldn't grab it. No dinner shared,soon enough. There was no kiss,if not the memory of one brought by a ghostly breeze which was there,even though Maggie was sure all the windows were shut. She bitterly perceived it as a punishment. That there shall be no other kiss like that one,ever again.

 _I will see you in the light_   _of a thousand suns,_

_I will hear you in the sound of the waves,_

_I will know you,when I come as we all will come_

_Through the doors,beyond the grave._

Maggie looked at him. Prayed he wouln't notice her crawling was much slower.As long as he had slept he wouldn't  have noticed that she was about to destroy his world forever. As long as he had slept,his world would've kept on working as if mommy were minutes away from coming home after a long day of work. As if she weren't holding him a little bit tighter,as if she weren't in pain and her heart wasn't shattering in a thousand of pieces. He wouldn't have known why they were sleeping on the couch tonight,and not on his bed,where mommy liked to tell him the stories he loved so much. Why mama was sitting there,head aching and spinning,her heart burning,and a sob struggling to make it's way out,that she was stubbornly trying to send back down,before Eric had questioned the reason behind it. They were just sitting there,looking at an old video,where two younger versions of themselves were playing with a newborn Ricky at the park,and Maggie wasn't lying on the ground,bent over the love of her life,asking her to please live because her life made no sense without her,and Alex,ever the comforter,was begging her to not lose her mind,to stay because their son needed at last his mama to be strong.Because she would've still been there. It felt screwed up,that in the darkest hour she hadn't been able to keep it together. But Maggie's mind felt free to travel,and bring her back to places. Her hands held tightly onto the most precious thing she had left of Alex.

_I'm Maggie Sawyer Danvers,I'm 35,I'm married to Alex and we have a son..._

She refused to acknowledge whatever came after that.

_All alone I heal this heart of sorrow,_

_All alone I raise this child ,_

_Flash and bones are just sand and water,baby_

_Sand and water,and a million years have gone by._

She didn't even dare to turn around when steps reached her ears,and she knew they weren't hers. Nor to lower the sound when she knew the voice wasn't her wife's. She did nothing but sitting there,praying like she never had,for a miracle which would've not come. Wondering if her mind had stored in the memories deep enough that even if some evil plot had seen her mind being wiped away completely,nobody could've wiped away the memory of Alex. So that even if a million years had gone by,there could've still been some Alex in the world,even if the world hadn't gotten to know why Alex Danvers Sawyer had thought it was right to give her life for a purpose which would've always been classified to people who weren't familiar with their jobs,mostly anyway. Even if the world hadn't ever gotten to know why her wife would've never walked through that door again.

_All alone I,came into this world_

_All alone I will someday die_

_Flash and bones are just sand and water,baby_

_Sand and water and a million years have gone by._

 


	2. Heaven was needing a hero

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What to do when you have to say something you'd never want to say?

_**I came by today to see you,I just had to let you know**  
_

_**If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time**  
_

_**I'd have held you and never let go.**  
_

Sun came down too fast for her.Her resolve was still stubbornly up,and she was sure she was angering Kara already. The woman she had come to be pretty close to,was truly making an effort to talk to her,and Maggie felt angry at herself for not wanting to listen. Kara had lost the person she had always looked up to,the person who had made hear feel safe enough to deem earth her new home,she had watched Kara fall without caring to get hurt,by Alex' side. Maggie had sat there,in silence,and completely paralyzed. Years of training and the world forgotten. She had only been able to glare shockedly to the blood on her,and when words had been too much,when Alex hadn't  been able to hear her anymore,Maggie had shut up. She had shut out every noise in her ringing ears,as if in the silence she could've still held onto the hope that their hearts were beating as they should be. That Alex' heart hadn't stopped right above her own,as she held her.

_**Oh it has kept me awake at night wondering,** _

_**lying in the dark,just asking:why?** _

_**I have always been told,you won't be called home,until it's your time.** _

Kara kneed in front of her,with her eyes red and sunken,and her cheeks flushed as if she had just run a marathon without using her superpowers,even though Maggie knew it was all the pain little Danvers was going through,and failing at hiding. Maggie really felt for her for trying to support her,thankful for at last trying,because this way she could've tried as well. She was afraid of what the coming days might bring. The detective didn't want to look Eliza in the face,and find Alex again. She would've to,but she was scared it might destroy her. Maybe once the moment had come to...to say goodbye..she would've...after they had restored Alex back to normalcy. Maggie wondered what was there to restore,if Alex was still the most beautiful human being,even if the heat of her body had left,and her eyes looked up at her,unseeing. Maggie had only had to bathe her as they would usually do together,then they had let her out,but the detective was sure of it. Alex was beautiful,still. Bloody and battered,but beautiful. Only one moment she had broken down,then silence had fallen again.

Maggie diverted her look from Kara's and shut her own eyes to the pictures of the horror she had lived the night prior. Her arms went rigid,as they only touched thin air,and not their son's form,and they flew around,looking for him. Her eyes glazed over,and she couldn't see anymore. Her breath caught in her troath,above the knot which was hurting it. It had the younger woman wondering if her sister in law had stopped breathing as well. If she was soon gonna have to bury her too,then Kara remembered moments from the past,where such a thing had  happened to her,and Alex had been the one to do the calming down.

All Maggie could feel instead,was panic. Her chest  was exploding,air being uselessly taken in without really getting out.It was like a weight sitting on her,the work she had to do out of having to tell the truth to their son,making it true that Alex wasn't coming back. She panicked out of gult and out of sorrow.

Kara made sure Eric was still sleeping,before focusing on the detective.

"Maggie,Maggie,you need to calm down"she said it even though she knew it made no sense to either of them.

_The detective felt her knees caving under her,as the wall of fire from the blast separated her from her wife.She watched it all happen,without being able to do a thing. She flung herself to the ground by Alex's side._

_"Alex,Al"she did manage to acknowledge Kara was with them now._

_She leaned down,to hoist Alex slightly up,enough so that she could hear her slowing heart under her own._

_"Hey,Danvers"_

_"Hey back Sawyer"_

_Those struggling breaths,those rattles of death tore at her like pincers._

_"Know you like it,but you're still the hottest"it was a running line,as if Al were walking back home,after a day full of work for the both of them._

_Alex coughed up blood,and Maggie'ss hand flew to her face,stroking her cheek,slowly._

_Kara was sitting by them,holding her sister's hand ._

_They had tried,so hard,but there seemed to be nothing and nobody around. They were all dead,even if they had called              J 'onn,he wouldn't have gotten there in time. They knew even if acknowledging it was like giving up. But they truly were all dead,even Maggie and Kara,on the inside._

**_I_ _guess heaven was needing a hero_ ** _,_

_**somebody just like you**  
_

_**brave enough to stand up for what you believe and follow it through.** _

**_When I try to make it make sense in my mind,_ **

_The only conclusion I come to..is that heaven was needing a hero like you_

 She grabbed at Kara to steady herself,and the younger woman wasted no time,and hugged her. So tight that even Supergirl's bones could've broken under the strength of Maggie's hands gripping at her arms to get through a pain which was far worse than the physical one. The detective pried her eyes open,slightly,and felt like breaking again. Despite being completely different in looks,Kara was as much of a living memorial of her wife as Eric was.

_"Please don't lose your mind,keep it together...they need you..Mags"_

_"I can't do this without you. I love you,please"_

_"I love you...."she heard being uttered back as she laid a soft kiss on Alex' lips_

Maggie did recall a time in which Alex hadn't been in her life..it had never been the best part of it. But there was no time after,just Alex either being there in flash and bones or not. The only thing those two times in her life shared was the void. Which had those heavy useless breaths turning into sobs,and had her bringing her hands to her chest,to try stopping her heart from beating too fast,and reminding her that she was still there.

She fell apart,and Kara followed her into the dark. Let her punch her,let her curse her destiny. 

_**I remember the last time I saw you,oh you held your head up proud.**  
_

_**I laughed inside when I saw how you're standing out in the crowd.**  
_

_**You're such a part of who I am,now that part will just be void.**  
_

_**No matter how much I need you now,heaven needed you more.**  
_

 " _Please,let me hold her she needs me"_

_The gurney slipped through the hallways,as she and Kara followed,but all the agents' heads hung low,as she looked at them._

_She puffed heavily and blew out,walking up to one of them._

_"What's wrong with you?Do you have a problem with me?"_

_"Detective Sawyer,..I'm sorry.."_

_"You had better be"she stalked back before she could truly hurt him,and run back by the love of her life. Completely unfazed by the looks of pity they were all giving her,or by the fact that she might look crazy. She didn't give a damn,she wanted Alex back._

_They settled her into a room,and it felt wrong because nobody was doing anything,but covering her,as J'onn held her cold hand and cried,something she had never seen him do,and Kara sat on the floor,shaking. Winn had an hand to her shoulder._

_Why aren't you doing anything?"_

_J'onn towered over her and set his hands on her shoulders._

_"I'm sorry,Maggie,it's hard for me too."_

_"Shut up"she pulled him back with a strength she didn't think to have,and uncovered Alex's beautiful face,grabbing it between her hands._

_"Wake up,Alex,wake up,c'mon"_

_This only made it harder for them all to breathe,to hold it back._

_"Ally,Eric is waiting for you,he's just 4 please,wake up. He needs you. I NEED YOU. COME BACK,COME BACK"_

_Her screams tore through a more silent than ever DEO,but nobody tried to turn away from it. Nobody could turn them off,nobody could send away the symble of the grief which would have hit soon other 9 families. Of the ten fallen,several had been married with kids,Eric  Danvers-Sawyer was the youngest of them all._

"Mama,what's wrong?"

Maggie turned around,drying her eyes as best as she could and breathed in.

_She looked around,but nobody was still doing anything and the detective lost it._

_"Fuck,fuck you all"_

_She grabbed the table standing by her and flipped it over. The object fell against the glass wall and broke the entire panel in a thousand pieces,but Maggie willingly stood there,uncaring of getting hurt eventually. Nobody dared to touch her,or get close to the hell she was bringing on earth. She screamed till she had the strength,making her troath raw. Maybe this would've put her out of her misery._

"Auntie Kara,why are you here?Where's auntie Lena?"

"She stayed behind a bit,do you mind if we all have an adult conversation?"

"Me too?"

"Yeah you too buddy"

He stepped over Maggie's lap and sat between them.The detective's arm went to circle his shoulders right away.

Kara nodded at her. It was upon her to tell him.

"Ricky,do you remember when me and mommy told you about auntie Kara's planet?"

"Yeah,I likes it a lot"

"Where..w-where do people go when their time on the planet is over?"

"T-the light..of..of.auntie help me!"

"...Rao.."

"T's right"

"Me and mommy have always done special jobs,which involved saving lots of lives,but sometimes there are people who get chosen..because...cause they're special...and they're heroes"

"You and mommy are my heroes,did she get chosen?"

Maggie really struggled to not start crying again. She needed to tell him next,that Alex wasn't coming back,though she was sure there was still some time before he had fully realized the gravity of the whole situation. His mind of a child must have shielded him from the worst of it.

She nodded,afraid she might not find her voice anymore.

Kara went on for her.

"But she can't come back,though she would like to be here with us all"

"You not be sad,mommy is gon' be back soon.Rao jus' need a hero"he stated sure of what he was saying.

_**When I try to make it make sense in my mind,** _

_**the only conclusion I come to...** _

_**is heaven was needing a hero like you.** _

_**Is heaven was needing a hero,that's you.** _

 

 

 

 


	3. Say goodnight not goodbye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter,here we see what happens after they told Eric..we witness the goodbyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst,my dearest muse,will sure come back to visit me soon enough.

_**Say goodnight,not goodbye,you'll never leave my heart behind.** _

_**Like the path of a star,I'l lbe anywhere you're.** _

_**In the spark that lies beneath the coals,in the secret place inside your soul.**_

_**Keep my life in your eyes,say goodnight not goodbye.** _

She knew there could've been no strength without the people standing by her side. Maggie recalled Alex had tought herself to be very much friendless,but if what she was seeing was true,there had been many people who cared and exstimated her. It didn't matter if it was shelded under an FBI funeral like,Maggie had all those she needed by her. There had been so much loss between NCPD and DEO agents. Maggie could've turned to the right and she could've held onto Eliza's hand;if she had done the same to the left she fould've found Kara,being held by Lena,but always ready to give her,her free hand. But mostly,she hugged Eric to her chest,and he willingly dried her tears,and he was brave,telling her mommy everything would've been okay. She held onto that one little thing which had made her so happy,ever since she had seen her wife wearing it for the first time,a twin one to her own,with their names and the date engraved. They hadn't chosen a line,whatever they had to say had been engraved into their hearts ever since the day they had met. So Alex's ring rested in her hand,being held protectively between her fingers. Alex had asked her to keep it,and Maggie had sworn she would'e worn it upon her heart,everyday,for as long as she had lived. For as long as she had had to walk this earth without her soulmate. She was angry and lost,and at times in the last five days she had really wanted to just let go,and send everything to hell,but every time it happened her mind would take her back to one of those random moments in which Alex would look at her and she was the happiest person on earth. Her beloved agent was eveywhere. She was into their bed,even though Maggie didn't want to sleep in it anymore,into those pictures she was fond of,into every place where they had lived their love story,and mostly inside of the people who had loved her,and had been her family. Her uniform felt tight on her,made her stiff. She had barely ever worn it. It was as unfamiliar as her life without Alex. As tight as her heart which was being squeezed by an invisible hand and bleeding from it. The glass of that panel she had broken must have gone through it.

_**Don't you fear,when you dream,waking up is never what it seems** _

_**Like a jewel buried deep,like a promise meant to keep.**_

_**You're everything you want to be,so just let your earth reach out to me.** _

_**I'll be right by your side,say goodnight not goodbye.** _

Her steps guided her close to the coffin. She had seen her,just the night before. Kissed her one last time. Her lips were cold this time,for real,all the color had left her,and Maggie had had to crouch down and settle for holding her hand,before she might flip a table or punch somebody again. The detective was more than sure the anger would've never fully left her. Anger at the unfairness of what had happened. Her hand floated above the oak,to the height of Alex's hands. She had watched with sorrow,her son hug her wife this morning like nothing had happened. Mommy was just on a long journey. The lie weighed on her more and more as the hours ticked by. She was just hoping he would've understood,someday,why she had had to say it.

Her eyes shut,and she sighed,her stomach dropping,and breath almost struggling to come out.

Maggie sat by it and cried,uncaring ofanything aound her. Even when Eric sat by her,as they lowered Alex to the ground and she truly knew it was over. This was the point of no return,and things weren't changing.

Eric cried just by seeing her cry. He couldn't grasp onto the concept of why they would be sad if mommy had been chosen for something so important,but he solemnly acknowledge that it was hard. He just would've liked to understand,to be in mama's mind and maybe quell her fears. So he did the best thing he thought he could've done for her,and threw himself at her. Even if he still couldn't explain to himself all the sadness,if mommy was a hero and she had been called for something special.

Maggie gripped onto him as her lifeline and stroked his curly hair and his soft child skin,and his chubby cheeks just like Alex had enjoyed doing.

"I'm sorry"

Eliza grabbed her shoulder.

"It wasn't anybody's fault,I shall know it by now. There's evil and there's good,and Alex knew that this..."she pointed at the hole which now held her oldest daughter,but her words faltered. It was almost a lie to herself as well,but Maggie shall not blame herself for what had happened. It was a raid,one of the many Alex had taken part to,considering she had been a DEO agent for ten years. It wasn't supposed to end up this way,but it had. Her daughter would've never come to celebrate her 10th year as an agent.

Maggie continued to sit there,even when anybody else. Finally left alone,she let herself fully mourn Alex for the first time in 5 days. She stayed there,till dawn didn't come,and rain didn't touch her face softly. Almost like a stroke to her cheeck. There was no accepting what she had lost,she had to live with it,but she would've always looked for Alex. In the rain,in the wind,the sun,their homeat the DEO,their spot at the bar by the pool table where Alex had kissed her for the first time,the people her wife had protected with such a love,that the detective would sometimes wonder if there had ever been a man or a woman in the universe who could love as much as Alex could.

**_You're everything you wanna be,_ **

**_so just let your heart reach out to me_ **

**_Keep my life in your eyes,say goodnight not goodbye._ **

Her wife had liked to wake up soon in the morning. She had always been the one to pull her down from bed. One of the first things she had memory of,when she and Alex had started dating,in a time which now seemed to be part of another life,was of her back then girlfriend laying out her uniform onto her side of the bed. She would smooth out all the wrinkles and start dressing up. Then Alex would prepare her cop one as well. Maggie went to the closet and grabbed the one gear Alex had at home,remembering fondly the times Eric would ask his mommy to put it on him,and Al would do it with such pride that had Maggie's heart swelling in her chest. It had looked so big on him. Maggie felt constricted by her clothes again and literally ripped them off herself,before grabbing at the last casual clothes Al had ever worn. She put them over and felt safer. She was not afraid,she would've never forgotten.

She set it on the bed and smoothed out the wrinkles. In the living room,by the photos,sat a shining medal;granted by the president herself,and Maggie had spent an entire day looking for a permanent marker to change the FBI writing to DEO. Everything to it's rightful place. This needed to be done.

**_Say goodnight,not goodbye._ **

"Mama?"

"Yes kiddo?"

"I wantsa be like mommy someday"

She hoisted Eric up,and held him close to her chest. He would've slipped through her fingers as well,she would've made sure,for as long as she had lived.

Maggie moved slowly to the sound of music only she could hear. She felt arms surrounding her,as Eric fell asleep on her shoulder,she hummed a lullaby Alex insisted in teaching her even if she was not the one who could sing there. Into the dark she perceived those arms around her back,that chin on her shoulder as usual,and a soft goodnight left in her ear,the way they had liked to say it in bed,holding each other close. Then the ghost of a kiss meant to linger forever,to her neck.

Into the dark she heard those two words being uttered,as if Alex were stading there for real. Old habits would never die.

"Goodnight Danvers"

 

 


End file.
